What do you do when you can’t stand yourself anymore?
What do you do when you actions contributed to the death of something you loved so dearly? What do you do when your insides are so ripped up you can barely breathe? What do you do when you lose hope and purpose? You do the only thing you know, you start writing.
What has happened is done, you have to live with it, but what happens going forward?
About
I can’t change what has happened, I can only try to help others so they won’t follow in the footsteps I passed through.
I’ll be very frank with you, I allowed something to destroy my finances, relationships and finally my little girl, Nikki (my dog)
Pride, vanity, fear and anger were things I dealt with, they clouded my thinking, this led to a lot of mistakes.
The cost was the loss of many possessions, but none so devastating as Nikki. I let anger step in. Anger at who? At myself, but taking it out on the world. Cursing at people driving to slow, pointing the finger at everything else, life sucked.
Looking at life as a pain in the butt, the only bright light was my little dog Nikki.
Early in her life she acquired a disease called addisions. The monthly cost for her medicine was $80.00, this kept her in pretty good health.
She provided many years of companionship and love.
In Dec. of 09 she became ill, I was bound with stress and I did my best to care for her, but I couldn’t give her the best. The tragedy is I just gave up. In hind sight I could have done more things to help her, I didn’t, I failed.
It was the night of 1-5-10 that she became weak, at 7:00 p.m. she slowly walked over to me, I cradled her in my arms as you would a baby. She looked so peaceful, there’s a reason. She had passed away in my arms.
Within seconds grief turned to guilt. It’s been that way since.
That night I reviewed all the things I didn’t do, the things I allowed to happen. Then, just like that it became clear what was behind all of this, it was a thing called Sin. I know, it might sound a little crazy but to me it was crystal clear.
Shake Up
It’s unfortunate, but life at times shakes us up using circumstances. Even then we might not pay attention, have you had one of these events happen in your life?
My dear friends, I hope you don’t have to experience any pain so deep to change, but if you do lets work it through together.
This may sound nuts, but I need to hold on to a little of this pain. It will always be a reminder of how I allowed sin to take Nikki from me.
It was that night she passed away, for the first time, I truly understood what sin was. All these years I heard about it, it always sounded like a religious, fanatical thing, some made up word to scare you, but that night it was undoubtedly clear to me that sin was real.
Sin is an influence, from within or through others, that tempts our thought process. It keeps tapping at your mind to do things that end up wrong. It can’t force you to do things, but it is highly effective in convincing you to do them. You end up allowing yourself to think it’s right until you discover it’s not. Sometimes we can fix it and as I found out there are times you can’t.
Read more of this site, I vowed to Sin No More, has that time come for you?
Dedicated to my little girl Nikki…1-5-2010
