I believe forgiveness is one of the hardest virtues to practice. We all realize it is probably the right thing to do but there is something about doing it that brings up a lot of resistance. I’ve often wondered why this is true.
Many times we hesitate to forgive because we fear that if we forgive someone, we might be condoning what they did and perhaps giving them permission to do it again. We incorrectly believe that by not forgiving someone, we prevent them from hurting us anymore. I don’t believe the two are related. I feel those whom we haven’t forgiven still have the power to hurt us.
Sometimes, we hold on to our resentments as a means of punishing those who have hurt or offended us. This doesn’t work very well either. It has been said that “resentment is a poison pill you take hoping the other person will die.” Unforgiven resentments seen to fester inside us robbing us of our health and peace of mind over time.
Other times, we do not want to forgive because we might have to take responsibility for our part in the upsetting situation. Continuing to stay angry and hurt allows us to see ourselves as blameless victims and avoid confronting the issue of responsibility.
The first kind of forgiveness is healing from hurts. In my Powerful Partnerships program I show people how to express what they are feeling inside, be it anger, fear, hurt, passion or joy in a manner that heals them. When they are finished, they aren’t upset about that particular issue any more and the negative feelings they had don’t tend to get re-triggered by something that occurs later. They are then able to say, “I still remember the incident but I don’t have any more emotional ‘charge’ on it now.” This is one method of forgiveness that I think is very useful, especially in a committed relationship. It demands self-expression to be successful. After utilizing this for a while, my wife and I got to a place where our occasional arguments weren’t fueled by unforgiven feelings from the past. It became easier and easier to let things pass and get back on the same team.
Forgiveness as a state of being is the second type of forgiveness. It wasn’t until I had children that I gradually realized that there is another kind of forgiveness that has nothing to do with self expression or the healing of old hurts. In this case, forgiveness is not something that you do or achieve, it’s a state of being. I was surprised to discover that I held (and still hold) my children in a constant state of forgiveness. As they grew, I saw that they were frequently making mistakes or doing things that I didn’t like but I also knew that nothing they could do would ever need to be forgiven by me. My wife felt the same way also and I’m sure parents everywhere know what I am talking about. Our children are already forgiven. Personally, they exist in a constant state of forgiveness where the love between us can’t be broken regardless of their behavior on any given day. I don’t need to say or do anything to restore that connection because it is continually there. I would always feel this especially when I would open the door to their bedroom at night and watch them as they slept. No matter what had happened during that day, I was always restored to a state of being where their innocence and my own were apparent. I felt like, “No harm, no foul, nothing to forgive, nothing to express-except love and gratitude.”
There is a huge difference between the two types of forgiveness. In the first type, you believe that you’ve been hurt by someone and hopefully, you forgive them as you get over what is upsetting you. The hurt is real and needs to be overcome and released somehow.
The second kind of forgiveness is borne of the realization that, on another level, you are undamaged, always fine, the world is the way it is, and that is all right. You can forgive and accept it all because you are in tune with the side of you that can’t be damaged by anything. When I am aware of this, I feel both forgiving and forgiven. I am not there all the time but when I am, forgiveness feels like the most natural thing on earth.
Learn about the valuable role forgiveness plays in a healthy marriage . Marriage expert, Dr. Jim Goldstein, tells you about the two different kinds and their significance in your partnership. He also offers a couples course that can salvage and invigorate relationships .
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